"The Middle"

I love all kinds of movies & movie quotes. One of my favorite movies, Hope Floats(1998), has some of my favorite quotes. Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock) says "Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most." This struck a cord with me the first time I heard it & I have used it & shared it with others many times. I thought it would be perfect to use for the beginning of my blog, beginning the new year. Like every new year, the new year brings "new" things & people make "New Years Resolutions". Most are focused on getting healthy & they begin new diets, start working out, join the gym, quit smoking, etc.... All of these are great. But, we all know how they usually end. I know whenever I make resolutions like that I rarely ever get started. This year I made some resolutions & one of them was to "document" more. Every since the birth of LB (Lil Bennett) & the birth of the digital age, I have failed to keep up with the family photo albums. Unlike my OBSESSIVELY organized sister (whom I adore), I have "clutter issues". In fact, I am embarrassed to admit it. But, my side of the bedroom looks like an episode of A&E Hoarders. To my defense, I get it honestly. Both my biological mother & my paternal grandmother (BeBe) were "closet clutter bugs". Both their houses would "appear" spotless. But, inside every drawer looked like a "junk drawer" & you better be prepared to duck & cover if you opened up a closet. Because, no telling what might fall out. Anyway, I have TONS of pictures stored in various places (boxes under the bed, closets, drawers, discs, sd cards, on my phone, on old phones, facebook, Shutterfly, lost in space, etc....). Among many of my other unfinished projects is of course unfinished scrapbooks. In attempt to make myself feel better about all of this I always tell myself : "Self, you will have plenty of time to finish these when the boys are grown & gone." But, when I come across a stashed photo or thumb through an old album I realize how much I have forgotten. I have to struggle to remember WHEN or WHO was is in pictures. Thank goodness I let LB keep that pacifier in his mouth 24/7 until he was 6 or so. Because, that's the only way I can tell him & MB (Middle Bennett) apart in their baby pics. I realize how horrible this sounds & trust me I feel horribly guilty about it (the pacifier, the inability to tell my babies apart, & the way I refer to them by their birth order, size, or nicknames). These are just a couple examples of my poor parenting skills that keep me in the running for "Mommy of the Year" consecutively every year since 1995 (sarcasm). Realizing how unrealistic it would be for me to begin to finish them now, I decided to begin to keep a journal (document) instead. In hopes that one day, I can remember these days & go back & finish those scrapbooks & albums. Plus, I have always wanted to keep a journal. Like many other things, I just never got around to it. This past year I became intrigued by this "blogging" business. Something, I know little about. Like many others in my community I began to follow a local young mom's blog. Faced with any parents worst nightmare, her raw honesty really put things into perspective. While keeping up with her blog, I noticed how many other younger mothers were blogging & keeping up an online scrapbook. I was immediately jealous! Just like I am jealous of those moms who seem to have it all together. Who, unlike me, despite the 110 degree humidity somehow manage to look cute in the mornings & afternoons in the school car line, or @ the ball field, pool, or lake. Asking yourself what happened to me reading that blog & putting things into perspective? Well, I'm not perfect & although I may put things in perspective. They usually don't stay there. That being said, I wanted a blog too. So, here I am. So, if you are still reading & wondering what does any of that have to do with "The Middle" or the Hope Floats quote? Well, like many of my ideas, they start to take a life of their own. I started with that quote, thinking this would be the "beginning" of something. But, then I realized, although I am "beginning" a blog, I am NOT in the "beginning". I am really somewhere in "The Middle". I am a "middle"class, "middle"aged woman & I am ALWAYS in the "middle" of  SOMETHING. As a mom, I am gifted @ multitasking. Sometimes, I am in the "middle" of many things @ once. Sometimes in the middle of the night, or @ any other given time, I am in the middle of a shift, while in the middle of a package of cookies, project, drama, a crisis, game, book, movie, &/or my lunch.......Currently, I'm in the middle of helping MB finish his science fair project & finishing this blog. While, thinking about all the other things that I'm in the "middle" of that I could or should be doing. I have always believed that Hope Floats quote to be true. But now, I'm pondering...Does "The Middle" count the most?  What in the"middle" counts the most? Is it what you DO in the "middle" that counts the most? If so, I'm screwed. Because, I have done some things in my "middle" that I'm not very proud of. If I jack up my "middle", does that mean I've jacked up my "ending" too? If the "beginning" &/or "middle" sucks does that mean the "ending" will suck? And, If this is my "middle" does that make it my boys "beginning"? & By jacking up my "middle" have I jacked up their "beginning"?  If by jacking up my "middle", therefore jacking up their "beginning" have I jacked up their "middle" too? If I AM in "The Middle", why is it so scary? She said "Beginnings" are scary. Does the "middle" have a "beginning" or "ending"? If so, am I in the "beginning", "middle" or "ending" of my "middle" ? If I am in the "middle" then my "middle" is not what I thought it would be. I thought we would be more financially stable, I thought we would have the upstairs finished, I thought I would be working less, I thought I would have this baby weight off, I thought Brad Pitt would have returned my calls by now, I thought we would be one big happy family, I thought I would finally have it all together! If I can't get my life all together by "the middle" how will I get it together before "the ending"? Just like so many of my projects, I am not finished yet! & Why are so many of my favorite people missing from my "middle"? Do they even want to have a friend or loved one that is in the "middle" of figuring out where she is? Will they be there in the "ending" ? & Why can't Harry Connick Jr come & rescue me in my "middle" ?! & If Snooky, the Kardashian's or any other non talented idiot can can have a reality T.V. show & become successful, rich & famous. Why can't I? Where's my reality T.V. show? This all leads me to panic. I DON'T belong in the "middle"!! I'm NOT ready to be in "the middle"!! Don't get me wrong. I'm ok with the "middle" aged part (Not, because I've come to peace with my age. But, just like many other aspects of my life I'm simply in denial about it.). I briefly consoled myself after looking up the definition of the "middle" & found it said the point or position at an equal distance from the sides , edges, or ends of something. HA, I'm really NOT in the "middle" I am really on "the edge"!! Therefore, since I don't belong in "the middle" then where do I belong? At this point, you are probably thinking therapy or better yet, a straight jacket. I mean, here I am, in the "middle" of what was supposed to be a cute little blog/scrapbook for me to document our lives & memories & so far all I've been able to document is my insanity. So now, not knowing where I am, I ask myself : "Where do I go from here?" & then Jesus answered me. Not directly, but through a christian fb friend who put this Bible verse as her fb status today :

~"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." ~ Philippians 1:6, NLT~

Whew! Thanks Jesus! & thanks christian fb friend! 

So even though, I may not be where I want or think I am supposed to be. I will put my trust in HIM! 

***Saint Theresa's Prayer***

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let his presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to Sing, Dance, Praise, & Love.

It is there for each & every one of us.

Amen Sister Theresa & Yay me, I finished my first blog & have kept my New Year's resolution to thank HIM every day.....