~ What Your Nurse Probably Didn't Tell You...~

Warning : These tips are based on my 15+ years experience as a Antepartum, Labor & Delivery, Mother/Baby Postpartum, Newborn Nurse, & Childbirth Class Instructor. You should consult your Physician, OBGYN, &/or Pediatrician for actual medical advice.

~ The Pregnant Pain Scale ~

The "Pain Scale" is a tool commonly used by nurses &/or medical personnel to assist in determining your pain &/or pain relief. 

**Example : Nurse asks you: (because you say you are in pain &/or labor) : "On a scale of  0 to 10, 10 being the worst pain imaginable, how would you rate your pain right now?"

*You briefly stop tweeting, updating your facebook status, look up from your cell phone & reply : "Oh, my pain is definitely a 10. When can I have something to eat or drink? I need some more ice chips & can you get my baby daddy a pillow too?"

At this point your nurse probably kept her superhero like sarcastic tongue & thoughts to herself & instead rephrased the question & gave you one more chance to give an appropriate response. 

An example of what your nurse might have said : "So, are you sure your pain is a 10? Cause, a 10 is like me cutting you right now." Now, you might be thinking:

However, to the nurses defense, we are instructed to believe you & treat you accordingly when you say your pain is a 10.

Disregarding any gleeful nonverbal cues & or activities that might give the appearance that you are otherwise comfortable. But, we as nurses are then conflicted. Because we are instructed to use the pain scale as well & According to the trusty pain scale below, smiling stops somewhere around 4.

So, if you are still smiling and still insist your pain is a 10, then you now can add confusion to your list of ailments as well. Unless by chance, you have had some facial alterations, plastic surgery, &/or botox; rendering you incapable of any expression other than smiling. 

Therefore, unable to make the appropriate facial expressions associated with pain & or discomfort (see #'s 4-10 on pain scale). Furthermore, giving the nonverbal impression that you are otherwise comfortable & NOT in the worst pain ever (#10 on the pain scale).

 So, in other words here's WHAT YOUR NURSE PROBABLY DIDN'T TELL YOU : "You are NOT smiling when your pain is a 10 (unless your face is jacked up). You are NOT physically or mentally capable of updating your facebook status &/or using a cell phone (unless you are attempting to obtain drugs by attempting to contact your baby daddy, or the late Micheal Jackson's recently convicted physician, a large animal Vet, &/or your pimp; in an attempt to obtain large quantities of narcotics in dosages large enough to jack up a celebrity, rock star, &/or crackhead &/or put down a large animal such as a race horse, elephant, or Shamu. Because, if your labor pain is a 10, then approximately every 3-5 minutes your facial expression will resemble a similar expression to that of Jackass Celebrity 

Johnny Knoxville when an alligator bites his nipple off; then, at this point I would agree your pain is POSSIBLY the worst ever (#10 on the pain scale) & if you happen to resemble anything like Linda Blair

 in "The Exorcist"; then Sugar, you are in luck. Because, your labor is probably almost over." 

~Labor & Delivery"

The good, the bad, & the bloody

You may have heard you will experience heavy vaginal bleeding after delivering your baby. What you probably didn't hear is that you may see what YOU think is a lot or too much blood during labor, delivery, & the immediate recovery/postpartum stages. Most of the time this is normal. Delivering babies is a pretty bloody business. IN OTHER WORDS : You, your room, bed, & bathroom may look like a bad crime scene @ times. It is recommended you wear the "one size fits all, fashionable, boy cut, fishnet, hospital provided panties". Because, it is unlikely your panties will accommodate the rather large pad/diaper & possible ice pack your kind nurse will apply to your ever so swollen & sore lady parts. No, your nurse is not making you wear these as punishment for acting a fool during delivery. But, she is recommending you wear them to prevent the unnecessary "crime scene clean up" (that your nurse will have to do) following your attempt to look cute &/or sexy by avoiding to wear the hospital provided pads & panties.

~ Is That What You Had Said ? ~